becoming a mother

 As I said in my coming back post I'm a mother now my little guy just turned 5 months old. he a little cutie but the first few months was hard on me. I know it taboo to talk negatively about motherhood, but at that time I was in a negative head space. I had a hard time getting pregnant to start with we had started back in 2019 to have a baby so come 2023 I had given up hope in a way to ever becoming a mom after all I even went back to work I was starting to focus on myself more and make this house as cozy as I could for a gamer and book lover. Then A lot of family stuff happen that I may talk about in another post I'm not sure at this moment one step at a time. So when September came around and I was feeling run down and sick all the time I thought okay just for shit and giggles I'll take a test just to get that question out of the way so the night before my 31st birthday I found out I had a little baby in me this life was growing in side me and had been for over two months. 

It amazing to think about everything thing that had happen with in those two months had how badly I took care of myself but I can't go back and changed that now. so not long after finding out I was pageant we found out I had high blood pressure along with other medical issues with the pregnancy. Again I don't want to go in to to much details right now again maybe in a future post I'll tell my pregnancy story but my goal with this post is just a brief post about how motherhood has been for me so far with that said. Those medical issues made where I had to have my little man early I won't go in to details again that can be for another post lets just say for over 24 hours I was in labor and it had stop at one point and I had to call it and ended up having a C-section.

with all that I had my little man my son was here and as soon as I heard his little cry I knew he was here and I told Jarrod to go to him make sure he was okay even though Jarrod was worry about me. My mind was on that little boy. in the hospital I was find a little upset with staff at time but I try to make the best and get out there as fast as I could. Once I got the clear and my baby could leave I was ready to go, but three days of little to no sleep, and stress caught up to me when we got home and my mental health went down hill and fast I thought I was the worst mom in the world I tried breastfeeding and it was hard Isaac wouldn't latch I was so out of it I could get the pump I got from the hospital to work so I was hand pumping and that another mess once again that for a later post if I feel up to talking about. 

I was denoised with postpartum depression and anxiety and ended up on a low does of medication ( that I still take). They had to up it once and I started talk therapy and saw a physiocratic ( not sure that spelled right) as of this week I had my last talk therapy section for the time being and the end of the month I see my other therapist mental I'm better I'm not contently worry about every little things if something comes up I might goggle it or I make a note of it for Isaac's doctors. I can look at my son and smile and laugh with out worry and if he crying I can take a breath and figure it out. I'm still not the best at telling his cries apart but I'm learning he growing and getting big.

over all for me it started off hard and at times I didn't think I was cut out for the motherhood life but with that said now I'm enjoying it yes it hard at time and my little man fight sleep most of the times but once he asleep it looks like the sweets little angel and I don't want to put him to bed but I got so I can take care of the house and myself. He so cute and yes I know I'm his mom I'm going to say that no matter what but he is and his smile I could gush about my little boy all day so with that said I'll leave you with this have a wonderful day or night and if you have children or even pets show them some love.